You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
