On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
