Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
