On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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