Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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