I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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