May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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