I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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