capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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