U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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