i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize