Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
