If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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