I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
