She's JV to your varsity
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
