I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
