you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
