Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
