I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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