I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
