Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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