the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
