ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
