He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
