mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
