I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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