just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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