I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
