bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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