**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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