dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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