i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
