i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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