Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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