My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
