I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
