a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
