dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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