I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
