I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
