Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
