Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
