I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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