I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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