I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
