He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
