Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
