Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
