I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize