i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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