for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
