After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
