so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
