She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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