Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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