honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
