I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He told me they were just razor bumps!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
