i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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